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Ask The Giant Squid: the Heart of the Heart of the Question

I have this friend. She likes me and I like her. We both know this. I don't know if we are like boyfriend and girlfriend or not. How should I ask?

unsigned

Gentle Readers, This question has come into my grasp, and I require help answering it. What do you advise to this young man?

I ask that my dedicated and avid Newswire and Almanac(k) readers take a moment to consider this young interlocutor's question, and then aid me in discussing and deciding what we should advise to him, her or it. I thank you in advance for your aid and support in untangling this timeless problem of the intertwining of hearts and genitals.

Comments

Dear Unsigned:

Given the way you described your situation and asked the question, I'm guessing you are young and inexperienced. Also, given that you are asking a Giant Squid for love advice, I'm sure my guesses are right.

Congratulations to both of you for getting past your own fears and making a connection with each other. That's a difficult thing for a lot of people.

It is easy for young folks to get all wound up in a first boy/girl thing and worry too much about what to call it. It is what it is -- relax. If you want to spend all your free time with her and she does also, then you pretty much are boyfriend and girlfriend -- it will be obvious.

But insisting on making your relationship a formal "relationship" raises expectations, which may put too much pressure on her. And you'll put too much pressure on yourself.

Be a patient and attentive friend first, with low demands and simple needs. If you get the same back, then great! But if you don't get the same back, look out for yourself.

You are young and there are a vast quantity of potential "girlfriends" around you. If you find yourself not happy with the one you're with -- if you don't feel respected -- bail. Don't get trapped just because you decided to be her "boyfriend."

And use a condom.

Alan

The cheese suggests something along the lines of, "Yo bitch, you wanna get nasty or what?" or if that's a little straightforward how about, "Dear *insert name* long have I pined for your affection. I pledge my heart and sword to you for all eternity. If you feel the same I would be honored to buy you an ice-cream. Love, *miscellaneous love struck person*."

The adding of labels, nicknames, and generally applying terms of your own design to change perceptions and releationships is a tricky business, but can be made to work in your favor. If want your lady-friend to both consider herself your girlfriend and consider you her boyfriend, simply begin treating her as such. Apply a nickname, or use a name for her that is unique to yourself, like her middle name, or a variation on her first name. Phenomenology is a powerful tool, and creates true meaning out of nonsense through the intricate working of our social instincts.

Usually, other people make this social label for a couple. If you do the things a boyfriend and girlfriend do(and i'm not talking about the behind closed doors kind of thing) like going to parties together, sharing in a hobby, hanging out with other couples, the dynamic will sort of work itself out.

Or, slip her friend a note asking her to ask your girl if she is your girlfriend or not. That is surely not the most embarrasing method possible. I mean, you could get it like tattoo'ed, or something. That would be worse.

Man, I like that "pledging my sword" bit. If there is any two things chicks dig, they're 1) shrouding your wang in euphemism and 2) pledging that thing to her. Pledge a lady your love muscle, and she's your's 100%

{Smooches!!!}
Dave-o . . .

Man, I like that "pledging my sword" bit. If there is any two things chicks dig, they're 1) shrouding your wang in euphemism and 2) pledging that thing to her. Pledge a lady your love muscle, and she's your's 100%

{Smooches!!!}
Dave-o . . .

Get her pregnant. You'll find out what's up.

Get drunk and then show her your trouser snake, have it slither out all casual like. Always works for me.