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To Eat a Cat (also, with instructions for knitting a squid hat for your infant)

To Eat a Cat (also, with instructions for knitting a squid hat for your infant)

This is a classic from the Almanac(k). Just sharing because I am so proud of my wife.


Visions of the Giant Squid: To Eat a Cat (also, with instructions for knitting a squid hat for your infant)


Glorious do I drift in the mellow confines of my tank, lonely as a knitted cloud.


What is this? A quadrupedal interloper upon my solitude! Ah, yes, my feline nemesis, first you are surprised by my sudden attack!


Then resigned to your destruction.


But resignation was feigned, I see, and you make for to escape!


The violence of your throes is alarming in the extreme! My good left hunter sustains several, needily bites, feculent with the chemo-bacterial filth of your maw!


Snapping your hardskulled cranium both the to and the fro, I am whippéd and scoured, like and unto a gentle palm suffering a terrible monsoon!


But you have not the stamina of the might Architeuthis dux! You grow restive, and then sluggish . . .


. . . and Victory, she is mine.

fin


BABY KNITTED SQUID HAT
submitted by dedicated reader and loyal Squid America citizen Sara Swanson

DIRECTIONS

Gauge: 6 & 1/2 stitches per inch

White Part

Long Tentacles

  • Row 1: Cast on two stitches
  • Row 2: Knit those two stitches
  • Row 3:Knit the row, increasing one at the beginning and end of the row
  • Row 4 - 11: Repeat instructions for row 3 until row is 20 stitches across
  • Row 12: cast off 5 stitches, knit 10 stitches, cast off 5 stitches (or instead of casting off, slide those stitches onto a paper clip and cast them off later)
  • Row 13 - 55 knit the 10 stitches
  • Slide stitches onto paper clip for later
  • Repeat for a second tentacle.

Body

  • Row 1: Cast on 30 stitches, slide the stitches from one of the long tentacles on, cast on 30 more stitches, slide on the other tentacle
  • Row 2-25: knit all of the way across
  • Row 26: cast on 10 stitches before row begins, knit 40 stitches across (to the end of one tentacle), cast on 10 more stitches.
  • At this point slide the rest of the stitches onto a circular needle or a really big paper clip, or anything that will hold the stitches.
  • Row 27: knit all of the way across
  • Row 28 - 58: decrease one, knit across, decrease one
  • After you have run out of stitches and have a nice pointy triangle, slide the stitches you were holding on something, onto your needle and follow directions for rows 26-58.

Short Tentacles

  • Starting from the edge of the body that does not have a long tentacle, count in two stitches and up 10 stitches. Here slide your knitting needle through one side of 5 stitches. It should look like you've cast on 5 stitches. Be sure you are holding the knitting so that the pointy head is towards you and the pointy tentacles are pointing away from you.
  • Rows 1-10: knit across 5 stitches
  • Row11 & 12: decrease one, knit across, decrease one
  • Row 13: should be a single stitch. Pull out loop so you have enough yarn to tie a knot. Tie a knot & cut the yarn.
  • Count 2 more stitches over and repeat for three more short tentacles. The 4th one should end 2 stitches away from the long tentacle.
  • On the other side of the long tentacle count two stitches over and begin again for another four short tentacles.
Blue Part

Long Tentacles

  • Do the same as you did for the long white tentacles.
Body
  • Row 1: Cast on 30 stitches, slide the stitches from one of the long tentacles on, cast on 30 more stitches, and slide on the other tentacle
  • Row 2-22: knit
  • Row23 knit two together to decrease, knit 18 across, knit two together to decrease, knit two together to decrease, knit 18 across, knit two together to decrease, knit two together to decrease, knit 18 across, knit two together to decrease, knit two together to decrease, knit 18 across, knit two together to decrease,
  • Row 24: knit two together to decrease, knit 16 across, knit two together to decrease, knit two together to decrease, knit 16 across, knit two together to decrease, knit two together to decrease, knit 16 across, knit two together to decrease, knit two together to decrease, knit 16 across, knit two together to decrease,
  • Row 25: knit two together to decrease, knit 14 across, knit two together to decrease, knit two together to decrease, knit 14 across, knit two together to decrease, knit two together to decrease, knit 14 across, knit two together to decrease, knit two together to decrease, knit 14 across, knit two together to decrease,
  • Rows 26-33 continue following this pattern until you have only 12 stitches left on your needle.
  • Cut your yarn leaving a good 8 inches. Thread it onto a yarn needle (or use a crochet hook) and pick up each stitch with it. Pull tight so you have a small circle. Tie yarn in a knot and cut excess.
Short Tentacles
  • Do the same thing that you did for the white short tentacles but pick the row of stitches one row under the row you started with before and be sure that this time the pointy head is pointing away from you as you knit and the pointy tentacles are pointing towards you. Only knit up 9 rows before you begin to decrease.
Sewing up

  • Either using a yarn needle or crochet hook, use white yarn to sew the parts of the hat together. It's easier to do all of the sewing wrong side out, except the seam on the blue interior, then flip it all right side out and sew that up. Be sure that all of the knots and ends of yarn are on the inside and don't show. If the tentacle and pointy head aren't flat enough you can get two towels damp, lay the parts between the two towels and iron on high.
Eyes

  • Pick two buttons and sew them on. To be more accurate, sew them on each side. To make the squid more friendly looking sew them near the sides but both on the front.