A Bold But Ghastly Fraud is Committed!
Dutiful and loyal readers beware! The following posting on Mr. Timothy McSweeney's Internet Tendency is fraudulent!
I have made none of these claims, nor do I claim that I was myself photographed; is I clearly indicated several weeks passed, it was my unpronounceable consort from years gone by who suffered the brutal indignity of "scientific" sex-crazed Nipponese mutilation.
And now, to add topping to the emotional strain of seeing a long-lost lover torn somewhat asunder, I now find that I am the subject of the identity theft! This scurrilous Ruehlmann does not even sound like me: He uses of the contractionings, and his utterances are painfully brief and concise, and wander not in the glorious fields and vales of your quaint and querulous English gruntspeak. I have never wed, and, to my knowledge, have no spawn which yet still live. This is an outrageous outrage!
I have made NONE of these claims enumerated in mister McSweeney's libelous publication! I love the Us magazine, and wish only that they would feature me in more and further articles of their magazine; to date, as I now enter my sixth year of publication, there have been no such articles--not even a profile following my landslide, mandated Presidential election! And now the Us likely believe that I desire not their attentions! This is a disaster worsened, an insult addended to injury, a ragemaker extreme!
This, truly, is the last full measure, Mr. McSweeney; consider this gauntlet, like and unto the propaganda, catapulted!
I Remain Still,
Your Giant Squid