Poor Mojo's Two Minute Hate

-EVOO - Extra Virgin Olive Oil. That’s what she actually calls it: “E-V-O-O, Extra Virgin Olive Oil”. Note, I did NOT say she calls it “E-V-O-O.” If she just stopped there, it would be merely stupid. But she goes all the way to the level of “taking the short bus to school” by using the acronym, and then spelling out what it means for us right after. WHY?!?

-The non-stop whoring. No, I am not implying she sells her body in a sexual way, but she sure as hell sells herself in every other way imaginable. Cheap knives, bad food, pathetically under-tested cookbooks, crappy place settings - there is NOTHING she won’t attach her ugly mug to.

-Her shows. Doesn’t Food Network realize there are many more talented people out there who could do these shows, and do them so much better?

- Her giant freaking mouth. It is unreal. It literally stretches from one ear to the other. She looks like she could eat a banana sideways and still have room for pint of strawberries. Throw some yogurt in there, and she could make herself a smoothie without a mixer. If she ever wanted to dress up as a clown, it would take two tubes of lipstick to ring that giant wall of teeth she has.

And of course, the two Republicunt Senators from my state, Thad Cochran and Trent Lott, of fucking course these douchebags of the highest order voted FOR this bill. I mean, it isn't like Mississippi isn't currently one of the poorest states in the nation.

For fuck's sake, the people who benefit from the minimum wage aren't criminals or deadbeats. These are people, young and old, married and single, with children and without, who are WORKING to feed themselves and their families. These are people who are actually employed, taking part in the economy and buying their small pieces of the American Dream. These are the same people who can't afford fucking health care, and you want to make sure that employers will now start paying them less? Do you really hate poor people that much? Are you really such a fan of feudalism and no-wage slavery that you want to remove such an important protection from the working poor?

Fuck you, you fat bag of asses. Get a real goddamn job.

This response to the hippies’ question is flawed, I know—but it is because it’s hard to sum up why I hate hippies so very, very much. But now I have an answer. Actually, I have 174 of them.

Spockos's campaign is working. Bank of America, Mastercard, and the Michigan Economic Development Corp have all pulled adverstising and now KSFO/Disney/ABC are hopping mad and have had their lawyers send Spocko's ISP a letter asking that his site be pulled down so that he could no longer post clips from their hateful and violence-inciting broadcasts. Fortunately, someone else has taken those clips and posted them across the internet (see http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tw5Ga6nC7nY and http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mCcY5LrCMSA&NR). Today at noon, in a big freak-out response (or a cynical ratings ploy), KSFO will pre-empt regular programming to allow the KSFO personalities cited in Spocko's e-mails to answer questions on-air about the controversy from the public.

You are the biggest loser in the history of loserdom. You are a bigger loser than Kevin Federline. You are a bigger loser than the entire Italian Army. You are a bigger loser than the goddamned LA Clippers.

This is why:

CHILDREN HATE YOU WEEK!

Sure, sure, I can hear you now..."Stacie, I believe the children are our future. We must teach them well and let them lead the way!"...to which I answer "Pfft!" If there's one thing I've learned from the movies, it's that children hate you and if given half a chance, they'll kill you mercilessly in their quest for world domination....

Incidentally, Namibia has a high infant mortality rate and the UNDP’s 2005 Human Development Report indicated that 34.9% of the population live on $1 per day and 55.8% live on $2 per day.

When you play online (or live, but most of you whom I'm addressing do this online because you are small dicked little men that like your noses free of blood) and you berate someone for making a play saying things like "oh, I forgot, nobody folds at this level" you sound like an idiot, especially when you lose the pot. You look really dumb, when in retrospect the person had legit reason for 1.) calling down your bluff, 2.) moving in on you and showing air, 3.) make you look like an idiot by exposing your poor play, etc. This is especially unnerving when you call out a fellow WPBT'er. If you mess with the bull you get the horns.

Who are you people that berate anonymous player (you think they are donkeys) in chat? Are you trying to tilt the donkey that just "stole" your pot? What is your game plan? First and foremost DON'T TAP ON THE GLASS YOU DUMB SONOFABITCH! Secondly why would you tell someone that they just tilted you? Thirdly when you make dumb comments to people you don't know, you don't know who you are commenting too. You could be calling a very good player and fellow WPBT'er and idiot.

The answers that appear in the responses, though, are alternately predictable and thoughtful.

But that may be changing.

Increasingly, I'm hearing discontent from the masses about Windows, and it doesn't have much to do monopoly practices, ripping off ideas or a lack of innovation.

It's malware.

I hear this refrain from my readers, Technology Bytes callers, friends and even co-workers again and again:

And what a career it was: Thanks for Iraq and Abu Ghraib and Gitmo and 3,300 dead U.S. troops and however many hundreds of thousands of dead Iraqis and the return of Taliban and Bird Flu and Enemy Combatants and whatever other evil shenanigans over 50 years of “public service.”

In a better world, Rumsfeld would’ve been dropped in a dumpster and buried in a mountain of filthy diapers and broken glass. But we’re stuck with the world we have, not the world we might want or wish to have at a later time.

According to sources, the hopped-up comedian hopped onstage Saturday at L.A.'s Improv comedy club and dropped the n-bomb on a room full of stunned clubgoers....

As Dick exited the stage, he suddenly grabbed the mic and shouted at the crowd, "You're all a bunch of niggers!"

The stunned crowd gasped and stared at each other.

Brilliant decision, folks. Why not just give Bill “War on Christmas” O’Reilly a loaded pistol and let him take shots at Al Franken?...

While I loved Erik’s write-up, I also loved (in that juicy blog-fodder way) this comment left by a dumbass reader. ... Then this jackass had to ruin the Christmas spirit by spouting off stereotypes of those “Godless liberals”. A sampling:

I’m not going to squander my Buddhist liberal time mocking this yutzhole.

"I feel that it's really pathetic and disgusting that a corporation is spineless and money hungry enough to reduce lives to the state these animals live in. To force living creatures to endure hellish conditions and abuse so you can make money off their dead bodies is really perverse and disgusting."

He also adds: "My message for the people calling the shots at KFC is simple: You're all soulless monsters who deserve to be tortured yourselves, and you should feel completely ashamed".

"One-legged bitch! How dare you do this to Paul! Die ugly dog!"...

"His kids were right about you. You will never be a lady! Linda was a real wife. You are a nobody. Now clear off and disappear!"

Q. Are the terrorists trying to influence our election in your view?

THE VICE PRESIDENT: I think they're very much aware of our political calendar here, I really do. . . . So I think they are very conscious of the electoral timetable in the United States.

There’s certainly a stepped up level of violence, and we’re heading into an election.

In the deadliest sectarian attack in Baghdad since the American-led invasion, explosions from five powerful car bombs and a mortar shell tore through crowded intersections and marketplaces in the teeming Shiite district of Sadr City on Thursday afternoon, killing at least 144 people and wounding 206, the police said. . . .The attacks were the worst in an intensifying series of revenge killings in recent months, in a cycle that has increasingly paralyzed the political process and segregated the capital into Sunni and Shiite enclaves, and threatened to drag Iraq into an all-out civil war.

"Tom" (the MySpace handle of the creator) received at birth in place of his stylistic intuition, a seemingly luck laiden ability to generate (poorly) the exact kind of things that our insecure society thrives on. The most noteworthy thing is this: the ads. They're everywhere, absolutely EVERYWHERE. There's one at the top of every page, one on the right when you're checking your messages, and eight others placed strategically beside every other feature, on every other page. If I didn't run Firefox, the problem would probably be exacerbated by the absurd amount of popup windows that would be appearing on my screen. This alone makes the entire experience ridiculous, but it goes on....

...when you sign up for MySpace, you instantly have your first friend. You're immediately best buddies with the most popular person on MySpace: Tom. Now, to understand the stupidity of this, you have to understand that this is a social networking mechanism; if I'm friends with John and John is friends with Sally, then Sally is syllogistically my friend, and if I visit her profile it will tell me just that: "Sally is in your extended network". But if EVERYONE is friends with Tom, then there might as well not be an extended network feature at all, and he is defeating the purpose of his time and his website. Basically what I'm saying is, Tom is a dumbshit.

People who write and think about our intense attraction to the famous often say that when we worship celebrities, we are following a Darwinian urge to revere beauty or preeminence. Paris Hilton attracts our interest much the way Arnold Schwarzenegger does, according to this view: they are alphas, creatures that have made it to the top of the pack, and we can’t help but gaze at them with fascination....

But the evolutionary theory of celebrity does not begin to explain Paris Hilton mania for one reason: people hate the woman. She must be the most powerful snark magnet in history....

Still, to check out the megabytes of commentary that follow Paris’s every embarrassing move is to be struck by a loathing that confutes the Darwinian explanation. Cries of “nonentity,” “rich white trash,” “no-talent,” “brainless hussy,” and “hotel heirhead” echo throughout cyberspace. Politically incorrect slurs like “tramp,” “tart,” “slut,” “skank,” and “skanktron” have suddenly become acceptable again, as long as Paris is their target. But that’s just the everyday bile. Hilton hatred has been muse to striking bouts of creativity from the popular press. In the 1930s, Walter Winchell coined the term “celebutante” to describe Brenda Frazier, a socialite famous enough to make the cover of Life and Paris Hilton’s closest sociological ancestor; well, in the spirit of Winchell, the New York Post’s “Page Six” has anointed Paris “celebutard.” Not to be outdone, the online gossip ’zine Defamer ventured “celebutante vaginalist.”

“I am absolutely convinced that the main source of hatred in the world is religion,” Hitch told a crowd of receptive undergraduates gathered to hear him explain why freedom of speech should include the freedom to hate.

I'm with Steven R on this one:

...What will it take for James Carville to shut the fuck up and recognize credit where credit is due. Howard Dean's 50 State Strategy has been vindicated by the across the board election victories this cycle. Harold Ford is one of the LONE LOSERS of 11-7. I like the guy, but I don't like where he stands on Issues, and I hate the idea of putting a Loser in place to head the DNC when we finally have a winner. James Carville is a fucking tool idiot of the corporate media and DLC Elites...

Why? Because, while the OS X software is great, Apple’s hardware is some of the worst I’ve used in the whole 18 years I’ve been using computers. I purchased an iBook that ground to a halt after months of Apple denying it was broken. (Other people have Power Books with AC adapters catching on fire.) On top of that, I ended up blowing an extra $1000 easily on repairs and upgrades just to keep up with Apple’s obnoxious secretive upgrade policies.

Fast forward a few days.

I go online today to check my bank account to find out what checks have cleared and which ones haven't and I discover that my bank charged me $19 in denied access fees for my attempts to access my bank account last week at the ATM! I didn't even get access to my account and the machine didn't even provide me with a receipt to document the transactions.

I'm pissed. First of all, what bank charges you a fee when you can't even access your account? Second of all, the checks I wrote were for just about all the money I had in the account and with this $19 being held up by the bank I will surely bounce a check thus ensuring my bank will charge me even more fees.

Latest transactions: 03 November PKRSER.COM 500.00 U.S. DOLLAR £271.02

ARSE. So not only do I already hate online poker, but now some clown has cloned (or similar) my credit card to spend their scummy time there. You know, I was delighted to see the online poker (etc etc) companies shrink like pricked balloons (somehow it was apposite) with the US legislation banning it, but now I just want them to vanish altogether. They’re a waste of time, of money, and they just encourage this kind of crap.

Because when you ring up the credit card company, they’re completely understanding. Oh dear, how’s that happened, do you use the internet?, of course this won’t be charged to you, hmm.

Every.

Day.

Day after day.

Week after week.

Month after month.

It is bone numbing. Exhausting. It goes on and on. He never stops. He is like the Terminator bunny of Russian attack spammers.