Poor Mojo's Two Minute Hate

I loved this Joel Stein piece for the L.A. Times. Since it’s Joel Stein, much of it is obviously purposeful outrageousness, but I think there’s a core of truth: why must everything be interactive today? What great works of art or literature would have been improved by a link to reader/viewer comments at the bottom? “Why not just save a step and have them set up a folding table at a senior citizen center with a sign asking for complaints?” asks Joel.

DON'T E-MAIL me.

That address on the bottom of this column? That is the pathetic, confused death knell of the once-proud newspaper industry, and I want nothing to do with it. Sending an e-mail to that address is about as useful as sending your study group report about Iraq to the president.

Here's what my Internet-fearing editors have failed to understand: I don't want to talk to you; I want to talk at you. A column is not my attempt to engage in a conversation with you. I have more than enough people to converse with. And I don't listen to them either....

Where does this end? Does Philip Roth have to put his e-mail at the end of his book? Does Tom Hanks have to hold up a sign with his e-mail at the end of his movie? Should your hotel housekeeper leave her e-mail on your sheets? Are you starting to see how creepy this is?

A lot of e-mail screeds argue that, in return for the privilege of broadcasting my opinion, I have the responsibility to listen to you. I don't.

Let me count the ways...

I hate the sheer unremitting tackiness of the street decorations and window displays. Tatty tinsel, gurning Santas, irregularly twinkling lights and nasally irradiated reindeer do not spell taste and refinement. They do not even spell cheerily ramshackle seasonal goodwill. They spell cynical and unimaginative consumerism packaged to appeal to the spoilt brat lurking in all of us. And don't get me started on the "Best Xmas Album Ever" which tinnily assails ones eardrums regardless of which emporium you are reluctantly venturing into....

I hate shop assistants who will insist on engaging one with promotional platitudes when it is blindingly obvious to all concerned that you are, in fact, a wild-eyed misanthropist with zero tolerance for such flummery. I hate their grating persistence almost as much as the Scroogish tendencies of the retail industry, which drives them to these irritating lengths in the first place.

I hate choosing appropriate presents for people. My imagination always fails me and I fall back on the tried and tested confectionary/toiletries/book/cd combo which I invariably receive myself and regard with absurdly unfair disdain.

Every year I promise myself that I will shop early, maintain a positive frame of mind and actually enjoy the whole festive experience. Who am I kidding? Not even myself any more...

I guess I hate everyone in the world. Under the silly rules of Political Correctness, if you disagree with a protected group or class’s politics, you automatically HATE them. So with that in mind…

I hate Black people.... No Mr. and Ms. Black, you are not owed anything in life. What happened in the past was tragic and wrong, but guess what, YOU were never a slave. ...

I guess I hate Navajos, Apache, Seminole, Potawatami, Lakota, Iriquois and other Tribes of North America. Why do people look at these distinct and separate tribes and lump them together? ...

I guess I hate women also. Just because I am against women in combat MOSs and Ratings, I have the nerve to believe that the most noble thing a woman can do is be a good wife and mother, and I don’t think a woman has the right to end the life of the human being living inside her....

I suppose I hate Christians too. I mean, Being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I’m just a heathen cultist who worships some dead guy named Brigham Smith and burn Bibles in satanic rituals while mesmerizing young women to become my polygamist wives. ...

And of course, I guess I hate all homosexuals. ... I guess being disgusted that gay men knowingly have sex with HIV+ men to purposefully get the disease (Bug Chasing) and I’m even more disgusted with the idea that there are people who organize parties called “Conversion Parties” for the sole purpose of helping people acquire HIV/AIDS. ...

The next group I must hate is Liberals in general. Apparently to disagree with a liberal is to hate them.... I must hate conservatives for the same reasons....

I Must Hate my brothers and sisters in arms in the US military, since I voted for “Dubya”… TWICE!...

I Must Hate anti war activists ... because I remind them that much of modern warfare is the propaganda front and “you don’t defeat the U.S. Military on the battlefield, you defeat them on the floor of the House and Senate”....

I must hate mothers, since I openly disagree with (and yes, even openly mock) the tactics and rhetoric of Cindy Whatsername for lying about her son’s stance on the war in Iraq...

I guess I hate all Asians because I don’t like their food, and think that the Kyoto treaty is biased towards them.

I guess I hate all animals because I think they taste good…

I guess I hate all life on the planet because I don’t think that global warming on earth (and other planets) is caused by man…

Did I miss anyone, or anything? If I missed your particular group or cause celeb, I guess it’s because I just hate it.