life sucks so bad.. and so does love... well they come together because you have to love to live and live to love ... to me... both are just a bunch of shit....

i am not happy feeling like this. there are times when i really feel so bad that i hate both life and love.

Dr. Jim as I called my awesome therapist, assigned me a series of writing assignments at one point in our work together. It was some of the most profound work we did together and since I like to write, it was also fun. I don't remember exactly what the assignment which brought her to life was, but one of the voices born of these assignments belong to someone named "Madeleine." I have to say that I kind of love this dark, cruel, Madeleine side of myself. She’s so incredibly mean that it’s hard to understand why, but I think what I love about her is her certainty. She has no self doubt. Madeleine is pure in the truth and depth of her cruelty and hate. I think I admire that certainty. I think that loving her, finding her amusing, is also a way of protecting myself from how annihilating her hatred of me is.

I hate Colby. I hate Colby.

So does the guy at the laundromat.

I do not hate Noah.

But the creepy guy who lives next to the movie theater does.

Someone I've shown a great dislike of, have even expressed feelings of hate towards, has "contacted" me via a forum I was trying to avoid them on. The contact was a reply to something I posted in a thread. Ironically this person brought up, off the subjected of the thread, their issue with me... Not directly they were talking about the situation with me.

I did not know if this person was being an ass or is simply that daft. I replied to them as I would anyone, No. I was NICE about it, because I couldn't figure out what the hell this person was doing.... Normally I would scowl someone for being off topic and mentioning something obviously personal and irrelevant in the context an interesting discussion of a thread. This person has always blind-sided me with their idea of "on topic" and continue to do so...

It occurs to me that this person does not realized I'm the same person they are accusing of victimizing them. I find them both amusing and hate them entirely. I think my hatred over writes my amusements, but it's hard to say. I can't believe this person would be so daft as to directly reply to my post and whine about me to myself.