Poor Mojo's Two Minute Hate

-EVOO - Extra Virgin Olive Oil. That’s what she actually calls it: “E-V-O-O, Extra Virgin Olive Oil”. Note, I did NOT say she calls it “E-V-O-O.” If she just stopped there, it would be merely stupid. But she goes all the way to the level of “taking the short bus to school” by using the acronym, and then spelling out what it means for us right after. WHY?!?

-The non-stop whoring. No, I am not implying she sells her body in a sexual way, but she sure as hell sells herself in every other way imaginable. Cheap knives, bad food, pathetically under-tested cookbooks, crappy place settings - there is NOTHING she won’t attach her ugly mug to.

-Her shows. Doesn’t Food Network realize there are many more talented people out there who could do these shows, and do them so much better?

- Her giant freaking mouth. It is unreal. It literally stretches from one ear to the other. She looks like she could eat a banana sideways and still have room for pint of strawberries. Throw some yogurt in there, and she could make herself a smoothie without a mixer. If she ever wanted to dress up as a clown, it would take two tubes of lipstick to ring that giant wall of teeth she has.

My reply: "Yeah, but never in the ass. It's like, Thanks for nothing, bitch."

I hope they run it.

2) Leggings. STOP THIS DONE-TO-DEATH trend too! Out of the millions of girls who have worn leggings out on the streets, I've only seen ONE who could pull this off! (and it's my friend, heehee)

3) Fatties who insist on having the cinched waist look. OMG man. Why do they insist on putting on belts that just emphasize their thick waists?! This trend is also done to death already!

4) Silver/gold ballet pumps. YUCKSSSSS?! I've nothing to say but, GROSS!

I take it that it's supposed to mean "end hate." But when you use a tag like [/i], you don't mean "end italics" in the sense "abandon italics forever." You mean "I've been using italics for a bit, I'm stopping for a while now, but I'll get back to using it later."

Substitute "hate" for "i," and you'll get my drift. I bet the guy has a [hate] T-shirt in his closet that he was wearing three days before; he's hated all the stuff between then and the [/hate] shirt; and he'll be wearing the shirt next time he's got some hating to do. Plus he certainly wouldn't just wear the [/hate] shirt without having worn before, and on the same page -- that would be syntactically non-compliant.

In a thread about hatred for CUPS Timothy Knox wrote:

Ah cups, let me count the ways I hate thee. On second thoughts, no. The heat death of the universe would occur before reaching the end.

This seemed to me a bit much, after all that would be alot of time to express your hatred.

It seems to me that software is lines of code. Now each line of code can be hateful, and can have hateful interactions with every other line of code. Assuming the worst say you had two minutes of hate for each line of code and its interaction with the other lines. That would put an upper limit on the amount of possible hate as:

  $total_hate_seconds = 120 * factorial( $lines_of_code );

Sound about right?

And of course, the two Republicunt Senators from my state, Thad Cochran and Trent Lott, of fucking course these douchebags of the highest order voted FOR this bill. I mean, it isn't like Mississippi isn't currently one of the poorest states in the nation.

For fuck's sake, the people who benefit from the minimum wage aren't criminals or deadbeats. These are people, young and old, married and single, with children and without, who are WORKING to feed themselves and their families. These are people who are actually employed, taking part in the economy and buying their small pieces of the American Dream. These are the same people who can't afford fucking health care, and you want to make sure that employers will now start paying them less? Do you really hate poor people that much? Are you really such a fan of feudalism and no-wage slavery that you want to remove such an important protection from the working poor?

Fuck you, you fat bag of asses. Get a real goddamn job.

What makes New Orleans so different that fellow Americans have no qualms about ignoring pleas and/or mocking the plight of the ravaged city?

In his State of the Union Address on Jan. 23, George W. Bush made not one comment on the still-ongoing effort to rebuild New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina. I noted this on my blog yesterday, receiving the following comment in response:

Since the 'God Hates a Fag' video spread out across the 'Net this week, gays everywhere have been channeling their favorite Charlie's angel and sleuthing to get to the bottom of a Christian rock music video so anti-gay -- and yet so gay -- no one was sure if it was real or a hoax.

Now there are strong signs pointing to it being a slick parody of the ex-gay Christian movement. Joe.My.God has word that ex-gay minister/singer Donnie Davies featured in the video is really actor Todd Quillen. He's straight, according to his MySpace page -- where he also offers moustache rides for a dollar.

Blogger Simon Jones deconstructs several elements in the video, including fake guitar playing and Davies' "bands to watch out for" -- tagged as such because they turn kids gay. (My favorite: Cole Porter.) I especially appreciated Jones' point about YouTube's decision to remove the video from their service: "Ironic then that the video sharing site have never felt the same sense of urgency to remove any of the actual God Hates Fags spew that comes from the Westboro Baptist Church and the Reverend Fred Phelps."

"Donnie Davies" posted another video on YouTube yesterday which he describes as "a little chat with Donnie about what has been happening." Here, his gimmick already seems more transparent:

This response to the hippies’ question is flawed, I know—but it is because it’s hard to sum up why I hate hippies so very, very much. But now I have an answer. Actually, I have 174 of them.

What would otherwise be a relatively quiet and peaceful experience has been destroyed by the incessant repetition of this disembodied voice at the end of the walkway. Two things about this absurd situation really grate on me.

First, no doubt the only reason this bit of noise pollution is being forced on every person sitting at my gate is because some enterprising lawyer successfully sued some airport at one point after their oblivious dumbass client fell on his face at the end of some moving walkway.

Second, this is just terrible design. Would it have been that hard to install a sensor near the end of each walkway such that the Voice of Caution would only be triggered if there were actually someone on the walkway?

Both the actor/singer and the singer/actor are exes of Cameron Diaz.

• People who confuse lifestyle with life
• Pretend food, except Diet Coke
• People under 65 who don’t recycle
• Reality television
• George W.
• Dick Cheney
• Donald Rumsfeld
• Carl Rove
• Tom DeLay
• Liars
• Thieves

I hate that moves like this are pushing out soap operas (do you realize Days of Our Lives is now the last soap on NBC??) and syndicated shows.

As a Tamil, Shetty has certainly had to deal with discrimination at home in suburban Mumbai. Her only motive for parading in front of the other women in the house with whitener on her face was to show what utter hicks they are, how little they understand of her complex reality or of a billion people in the subcontinent who all want to have wheat-coloured skin. I bet thousands of brown-skinned girls in Southall fell off the sofa laughing when she did that.

Every time someone sends in a complaint to Ofcom about racism in the Big Brother house, the profile of the show is raised and Shilpa earns a bit more of her huge fee. But it's a funny old world, to be sure. You can call her a "dog". Sexism is fine. What you mustn't do is call her a "Paki". As if to be Pakistani was to be worse than being a dog. Our very tenderness on this issue is the flip side of racism, and still part of the same coin. If you call me an Aussie you don't insult me because Aussieness is OK. Pakiness is evidently not OK.

Cory Doctorow is, predictably, happy to read that: ...Apple and Cingular have been trumpeting the technical prowess they've deployed in locking iPhone to the Cingular network, to be sure that no one can switch carriers with their iPhones. Even the Copyright Office has recognized that locking handsets to carriers is bad for competition and bad for the public. ... There's another thing you can't switch with the iPhone: the software it runs. You can't install third-party apps on handset. Steve Jobs claims that this is because running your own code on a phone could crash the phone network, which must be news to all those Treo owners running around on Cingular's own network without causing a telecoms meltdown.

Marc Hedlund is worried about the "No 3rd party apps" issue: It would be smarter for Apple to figure out how they can make others (and not just Cingular) successful on top of what they build, rather than trying to own and control everything. For me that strategy is a deal-breaker, and I think it should be for you, too.

Dave Winer adds: I've heard from people who were at the Jobs presentation this week that there was a wire connecting his cell phone to something. I can't tell you myself, because I am not allowed to attend Apple press events. If I were there, I would tell you.

“I hate you, Kenny.”

Kenny accidentally lights himself on fire & dies about 5 minutes later.

If I’m ever standing next to Peyton Manning in a similar situation, I would turn and face #18, look into those big, goofy eyes of his, and say in the exact same way:

“I hate you, Peyton.”

Then I would check on him 5 minutes later, in the hopes that he had burst into flames....

How many reasons do I have to hate the starting quarterback of the Indianapolis Colts? You’d be better off asking me how many waves there are in the Pacific Ocean, or how many stars there are in the sky. Countless. I could go on forever. But since I don’t have forever, I’ll have to settle for posting as many reasons as I can between now and the AFC Title Game this Sunday.

This part just leapt off the screen:

And he wonders why they hate us? No matter what Dinesh D'Souza thinks, they don't hate us because we allow women outside the house, or because of birth control or homosexuality or Michael Moore's weight. They hate us because we have this idea that everything in the world is ours by some kind of divine right -- this "What is our oil doing under their sand" mentality that has caused us to make one boneheaded decision in the Middle East after another for as long as I've been alive.

And this nimrod has the nerve to ask the Iraqis to be GRATEFUL?

And Mac OS X is littered with it. It’s everywhere - in the Dock, in Terminal, in Dashboard, etc.

At one point, you could see about 5 layers of transparency at once on my screen, like this:

An example of multiple layers of transparency on my desktop.

Yup, pretty ridiculous.

But recently, I’ve decided that I hate transparency.

Sure it’s pretty, but I realized that transperency is the difference between easy-to-read and hard-to-read; the difference between strain on my eyes and beautiful text. So I turned off transparency in every place I could, and I encourage you to do it to.

...iif you truly want to get a taste of what it's like to hate....and I mean truly from the depths of your soul...HATE another fan base to the point where you hope their children are cursed with hooves...watch ESPN around 8pm Central tonight. At that time, Missouri and Kansas will take part in the nearly 160 year old tradition of hating each other on the basketball court.

Hating the Huskers is personal to me. I hate all the little ways you people get on my nerves. I hate you for so many reasons...it's impossible to list them all here. However, I don't expect others in my shoes to feel the same hate as I do. It's personal. It's me against all of you. It's my feelings vs. your everyday lives. Hating Kansas is a whole different ball game, on a whole different level. Since birth, I have been taught by my fellow brethren that Kansas and their fans are nothing but the proverbial genital wart on the penis of society.

In closing: Fuck you KU fan. Fuck you sideways with a 5-iron that has been sitting in a fireplace for 4 hours. I hope the brie cheese at your frat party is tainted with e-coli. I hope that sweater around your neck gets wrapped around your wind-pipe. I hope your roommate "Chaz" gets a spastic twitch tonight and stabs you through the back of the throat with his crank.

Rot in hell you arrogant fucks.

Spockos's campaign is working. Bank of America, Mastercard, and the Michigan Economic Development Corp have all pulled adverstising and now KSFO/Disney/ABC are hopping mad and have had their lawyers send Spocko's ISP a letter asking that his site be pulled down so that he could no longer post clips from their hateful and violence-inciting broadcasts. Fortunately, someone else has taken those clips and posted them across the internet (see http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tw5Ga6nC7nY and http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mCcY5LrCMSA&NR). Today at noon, in a big freak-out response (or a cynical ratings ploy), KSFO will pre-empt regular programming to allow the KSFO personalities cited in Spocko's e-mails to answer questions on-air about the controversy from the public.

You know what I mean. The book is a symbol of education and class, more so than money since money can only give the appearance of acculturation. This should be a good thing since books represents knowledge, self-betterment or intellectual/cultural/aesthetic achievement. And we as librarians tout the image of the book as way of motivating our patrons to take advantage of what books offer them.

But there is a dark side to all of this: the book as a litmus test of intellectual or social acceptability. Does a dislike of reading books make someone deficient? Do your friends (or heaven forbid, YOU) make judgments about others based on their taste in reading? Or lack of interest in reading? You don't do it? Browse through Myspace or any other social networking site, take a look at what folks list as their favorite books and try not to react with some sort of visceral opinion as to their intellectual/aesthetic sensibilities. It's darn near impossible.

For many folks these are the exact reasons why they don't read: books represent an intellectual (and at times a moral) failing on their part. And those of us on the other side do little to dissuade them from their self-image.

You are the biggest loser in the history of loserdom. You are a bigger loser than Kevin Federline. You are a bigger loser than the entire Italian Army. You are a bigger loser than the goddamned LA Clippers.

This is why:

This problem? It’s getting really bad. It’s like every other thought in my head is I hate my job or I’m so bored I want to scream.

Today was especially bad. Before I arrived at the office, I was already dreading the eight hours I would have to sit like a good little worker-monkey in my cubicle and pretend to give a fuck. I’m not good at faking it. Apparently the hissing gives me away.

So here was my day:

get coffee I hate my job drink coffee I hate my job read email I hate my job answer emails I hate my job open files on computer I am so bored read files on computer I am so bored discuss files with boss I am so bored revise things in files I am so bored AND IT’S ONLY NINE FUCKING THIRTY IN THE MORNING.

Oh fuck. Fuckety fuck fuck FUCK.

That address on the bottom of this column? That is the pathetic, confused death knell of the once-proud newspaper industry, and I want nothing to do with it. Sending an e-mail to that address is about as useful as sending your study group report about Iraq to the president.

Here's what my Internet-fearing editors have failed to understand: I don't want to talk to you; I want to talk at you. A column is not my attempt to engage in a conversation with you. I have more than enough people to converse with. And I don't listen to them either....

Where does this end? Does Philip Roth have to put his e-mail at the end of his book? Does Tom Hanks have to hold up a sign with his e-mail at the end of his movie? Should your hotel housekeeper leave her e-mail on your sheets? Are you starting to see how creepy this is?

A lot of e-mail screeds argue that, in return for the privilege of broadcasting my opinion, I have the responsibility to listen to you. I don't.

Do you know why I hate meetings?

I will tell you why I hate meetings.

When you are in meetings, you cannot get your work done. Also, when you are in meetings, you are asked to report on that very same work that you are not getting done.

"It's not done," you must say.

"Why is it not done?" they will ask.

But you cannot say, "Because I am in this meetings." Oh no. This meeting is but one of many meetings and they do not care. They do not care!

And thus, you are assigned more work when you are in this meeting. Because they do not care.

And that is why I hate meetings.

Most of you don't know this..but one of my twin sons Christian has Autism..

He was diagnosed at the young age of two. It was one of the most heartbreaking moments of my life even though I already knew that was what was wrong with him. ...

I took the twins for their 18 month shots on schedule..not thinking a thing about it. Now I wish more than anything I hadn't done that. That was to be Christian's undoing. My beautiful boy was so outgoing, smiling all the time, talking, playing with his brothers all the time...

After his shots he was cranky as usual, but then I started to notice changes drastically..Over the course of a couple of weeks he stopped making eye contact with me...or anyone for that matter...he had terrible tantrums, started to flap his hands and twirl, he would crawl on the floor scraping his forehead on the carpet all the way across the room until he had a rug burn, he would turn the toy cars over and spin the wheels on the bottoms of them and stare at them for hours....he stopped smiling and saying MOMMY.

We took him to specialists, who all told us the same thing..."Looks like Autism" ...

I started to think back to what might have caused this...

When did this all begin?

Vaccination Day...those words rang in my head like the liberty bell...

And in most cases, it will eventually turn into a RANT session about how hard it is to find good men to date…

Which will lead to a FULL-ON RAG SESSION about men in general…

…And wind up with a detailed list of all the traits guys have that are ANNOYING AS HELL...

So take heart in the idea that you’re about to learn something that most men on this planet will DIE not knowing.

My hope is that what I’m about to share with you will change how you interact with women FOREVER… and help you meet and date more of the kinds of women you’re interested in.