I Hate You. I Hate You More Than Words Can Describe. I'd Give Anything If You Would Go Away Forever And Never Come Back.
Yesterday morning I was going to pick something up from a friend, and as I was getting on the freeway,(seemingly) out of nowhere, I felt like I had needles and pins sticking in me all over, I broke out in a sweat, I couldn't catch my breath, I couldn't swallow, and I started shaking all over. I started to look for the next exit to get off the freeway and turn around and go home. In the meantime, I was having this entire philosophical debate that went something like this:
Me: Don't turn around. You know this can't kill you--you just feel like it will kill you.
The Panic Monster: Turn around. I won't stop until you feel safe at home.
Me: I need to go skydiving and let all these feelings happen and prove they can't hurt me no matter what I do.
The Panic Monster: You let yourself get vulnerable. People you trusted hurt you again. Your lupus is flared up and you know you can die from that and you knew I'd show up if you got this run down.
Me: Get me off this friggin freeway! I'm dying!
The Panic Monster: See? I'm winning.
Me: Oh no you won't. I'm going to keep going. Go away.
The Panic Monster: You know you won't feel safe until you get home.
Me: Watch me.