Poor Mojo's Two Minute Hate

*sigh* I want to die. I hurt everybody around me with my fucking character. My parents are killing me. They act like I am just an assistant for housekeeping and stuff like that. She knows nothing about me. Neither that I am a lesbian, nor that I am depressive!

But who cares. I will die and nobody shall cry. I don't deserve it. I am cruel. I am a liar. I hate me. And I just care about me, which makes me a horrible person, too.

Fuck you!

I'd hate to live in a Universe populated by the people who have populated this planet. Sure, we've developed Open Source software and milk that doesn't need refrigeration, but there's also the troubling propensity to Ethnic Cleansing....

In other words, God had the right idea with The Flood, and delivering Noah to another planet may not turn out to be such a great idea, again.

Re-reading too much Vonnegut these days (just finished 'Breakfast of Champions' last night). So it goes.

As the holiday season is upon us, I've been thinking of the ultimate "fuck you" gift: the one that keeps on giving anguish and annoyance. The ideal is one that does not insult upon opening, that, in fact, seems like a great gift until living with it for a couple months. Examples:

- For kids: a super-cute plush toy that they love and that incessantly repeats the same phrase (think Barney, "I love you, you love me, we're a happy family"), rendering the parents insane;

- For adults: an organizer that charts their successes and sends daily (hourly?) reminders on progress; the end result is that they feel like a loser.

4. I hate pop boy bands singing Christmas classics just to sell a few more albums, or silly Christmas songs like "Grandma got run over by a Reindeer "or the "barking dogs."

7. I hate the debate about the politically correctness of wishing some one Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, or Seasons Greetings.

11. I hate that there are political factions working at removing "Nativity Scenes from public buildings, and parks.

13. I hate that our military families will be without love ones this Christmas.

Like a money shot from a first time male porn star with exceptionally bad aim.

"What's that? Oh, so let me get this straight...just to make sure I've got it right...you're saying that this wooden plank you've gone and leaned against the wall is meant to to represent the suffering of the Sudanese in Darfur?"

"Yep."

"Fuck you. Bend over drop your pants and spread your ass cheeks because I feel like ramming a bowling ball full of Anthrax up there you fucking jackass."

When I was in High School there was a girl in my art class who painted nothing but couches.

Fucking couches...Sectionals. Leather. Sometimes love seats. When she was feeling really wacky and out there maybe even a recliner.

The fact that that couch girl did seem to have everyone fooled did annoy me a bit though...

What do I do when I'm annoyed?

Well, I set out to put the wrong things right. Like the Crow. Minus being dead, and the kick ass powers, and the cool bird.

So, if Richards is Jewish, two hate rants become one.

But, ah, if Richards is not Jewish, we’ve got two hate rants on our hands Howard!

We’ve got the anti-African American AND the anti-Semitic one! OH BOY!

Here’s what Mr. Rubenstein recently told the associated press:

I love the holiday season because of the time I have with my children and grandchildren. I love being able to cook and bake and make memories. I love the spirit of compassion that runs through our community - the turkey, toy and coat drives, and the stories of "random acts of kindness" that fill the airways.

I hate the holidays though because the paradox of poverty becomes even more glaring during the commercialism of the holiday season. It is also generally the time people are most in need and the money to run programs are exhausted for the year. If you work in serving the most vulnerable, usually you spend the majority of your holiday season scrambling to raise money, find volunteers, and prepare Christmas for hundreds. The stress of it all makes it tough to keep the "holiday spirit"....

Generally, sometime during the holiday season usually around the 20th of December, I have a day where I think - "Forget this, I'm going to work for McDonald's. In fact I'd make more money doing that than this!"

There is a great deal about atheists that does not make sense. Unfortunately, they are starting to get organized and spread their evil creed. While once these were a minority whose absurd comments got very little traction in the mainstream media, we now live in a world where secular thinking threatens to take over America.

Ten years ago if I had suggested to you that America was in the grip of an evil atheist conspiracy you might not have taken me seriously. Today emboldened atheists like “The Uncredible Hallq” (a.k.a. Chris Hallquist) proudly display their involvement with a conspiracy which is undeniably real.

But I can't avoid it without things getting worse, and therefore we go.

Once again I won't post any details, other than I wish this entire thing was already over.

That being said, please wish us luck and if you are so inclined, pray for us.

...some other influential bloggers have been questioning where digg's going an the quality of stories being put out there. The entire "mob rule" is being placed into question, especially in light of how John Chow's blog has been banned from digg submissions.

I really see digg's audience changing from the technology and geek readers and branching out and attracting mainstream readership. I read and hear a lot about professionals in our industry having their stories "dugg" but then the discussions that happen on the threads show the total lack of knowledge of the area the article speaks to. It is not saying that the "diggerz" are dumb or stupid, they really are just lacking the in-depth day in and day out knowledge the technology and search industry professionals have.

As new "diggerz" come into the fold the more it annoys and drives away the early adopters. Not necessarily those who "digg" lots of stories, but more the folks who read the stories. Both Rob Hof and Scoble point out they are opting out of the feeds from digg, as the stories being submitted are no longer of much value to them. This is just how services who have been in the "geek realm" change when they reach the mainstream, an evolution, it changes and morphs once the mainstream populace gets a hold of it.

You are a prick!

There was no weather, no rain, no wind, no slick roads, no houses, and no kids nearby. You were however, well hidden, in the dark, and between some trees. ... You intentionally put us all in danger to collect a $150. ... How do you feel about being minimized to the role of local tax collector - that is essentially what you are when you hide in the bushes and dispense tickets like Halloween candy. Was your life worth 13 miles per hours over the limit? How about the fact that I was a few feet away from only being 3 miles per hour over the limit? Evidently, I place a greater value on my family's life than you do of your own. All of this for $150? Give me a fuckin' break!

Now for the really pissed off part. You scared the shit out of my 2 year old - the one that was balling in the back seat when you approached my window - yeah that one. The one that was screaming, "bright light, bright light, I don't wike it". To top it all off, you wouldn't even turn down your 44349 kazillion watt light that blasted into my truck - even after I asked very politely and kindly as a favor for my daughter.

You are one classy son of a bitch. Fuck You, you life endangering tax collector.

Dennis Rogers, a columnist for the News & Observer... stated that the U.S. military was responsible for his college diploma. Rogers reinforced what a retired colonel once told me, “The military is the best social welfare program ever created.” The military provides low-income blacks and whites a ticket to higher education and the upper-middle class.

What these protestors fail to realize is that the disproportionate ratio of low-income enlistees stem from the failure of liberal social policy. The public schools and welfare programs have failed to provide for those in poverty and those with limited access to social mobility. The military always has and always will provide young men and women who would otherwise make no progress on the social ladder a chance to do so.

Meanwhile, we have white, liberal trust-fund babies screaming at military recruiters while still claiming support for the troops. I defy anyone to find a protestor who does not believe every word John Kerry said when testifying before the Senate Foreign Relations Committee in 1971. “We think they’re a bunch of racist, mutilating rapists, but we support the troops.” Bull.

"I feel that it's really pathetic and disgusting that a corporation is spineless and money hungry enough to reduce lives to the state these animals live in. To force living creatures to endure hellish conditions and abuse so you can make money off their dead bodies is really perverse and disgusting."

He also adds: "My message for the people calling the shots at KFC is simple: You're all soulless monsters who deserve to be tortured yourselves, and you should feel completely ashamed".

One night, he let the audience have it. “Hitler had the right idea; he was just an underachiever,” Hicks screamed at the top of his voice. “Kill ’em all, Adolf! Mexican. American. Jew. All of them! Rain 40 days and 40 nights. Wash these turds off this fucking planet!”

"One-legged bitch! How dare you do this to Paul! Die ugly dog!"...

"His kids were right about you. You will never be a lady! Linda was a real wife. You are a nobody. Now clear off and disappear!"

DEADMAN #4: This is incomprehensible gobbeldy-gook, but you put the lead in the Bostom Brand costume, and at least a few more people are going to pick it off the rack out of curiousity. Don't think they'll be back for #5, however, as it was AWFUL. Even the art by John Watkiss (who I generally like [and I know I am in the minority]) seemed majorly phoned in.

HELLBLAZER #226: I don't like John as a "real" Magus, with lots of real magic running around. I've generally dilkied this "Empathy" storyline, especially since it doesn't seem like it is ever going to end. And, while in prose you can end a chapter with "What the hell is THAT?!", it doesn't work in COMICS because there's at least a one month gap between installments. Feh. AWFUL.

IRON MAN #13: Instead of a "What the hell is up with Tony" as you'd hope you'd get from the finally-we're-synching-up-with-CIVIL-WAR issue, there's instead a lot of blah blah with Spymaster. SPYMASTER? C'mon, he's not even in the top 20 of Most Threatning IM Villians. Foo. AWFUL.

Q. Are the terrorists trying to influence our election in your view?

THE VICE PRESIDENT: I think they're very much aware of our political calendar here, I really do. . . . So I think they are very conscious of the electoral timetable in the United States.

There’s certainly a stepped up level of violence, and we’re heading into an election.

In the deadliest sectarian attack in Baghdad since the American-led invasion, explosions from five powerful car bombs and a mortar shell tore through crowded intersections and marketplaces in the teeming Shiite district of Sadr City on Thursday afternoon, killing at least 144 people and wounding 206, the police said. . . .The attacks were the worst in an intensifying series of revenge killings in recent months, in a cycle that has increasingly paralyzed the political process and segregated the capital into Sunni and Shiite enclaves, and threatened to drag Iraq into an all-out civil war.

"Tom" (the MySpace handle of the creator) received at birth in place of his stylistic intuition, a seemingly luck laiden ability to generate (poorly) the exact kind of things that our insecure society thrives on. The most noteworthy thing is this: the ads. They're everywhere, absolutely EVERYWHERE. There's one at the top of every page, one on the right when you're checking your messages, and eight others placed strategically beside every other feature, on every other page. If I didn't run Firefox, the problem would probably be exacerbated by the absurd amount of popup windows that would be appearing on my screen. This alone makes the entire experience ridiculous, but it goes on....

...when you sign up for MySpace, you instantly have your first friend. You're immediately best buddies with the most popular person on MySpace: Tom. Now, to understand the stupidity of this, you have to understand that this is a social networking mechanism; if I'm friends with John and John is friends with Sally, then Sally is syllogistically my friend, and if I visit her profile it will tell me just that: "Sally is in your extended network". But if EVERYONE is friends with Tom, then there might as well not be an extended network feature at all, and he is defeating the purpose of his time and his website. Basically what I'm saying is, Tom is a dumbshit.

Richards on Wednesday contacted the Rev. Al Sharpton and offered an apology, which Sharpton did not accept, according to CNN. "I [told Richards] you need to sit down and deal with this," said Sharpton, per the article. "This is not about accepting an apology, this is about starting a process to really deal with the continual problem of racism in this country."...

Mediastar at "Diary of a Mad Black Woman" writes, "I am so unimpressed with his sorry excuse for an apology. I get so sick and damn tired of celebrities and politicians making ugly, racist, ignorant remarks then coming back with a scripted 'I'm sorry.' What exactly are they sorry about? Sorry they have to apologize? Sorry they're ignorant? Sorry they're stupid?"

UK media correspondent Andrew Gumbel, in an entry at "The Huffington Post," had this to say, from a British point of view:

I had to run some errands in the country near Annapolis and while driving I spotted a big-ass turkey standing on someone's front lawn. I stopped to check it out.

When I got out of the car, it seemed docile, so I snapped a few pictures. In turkey religion, this must steal their souls because at that point it flared out its tail feathers and charged me like a pissed off miniature grizzly bear....

Now I feel even better about eating these beasts for Thanksgiving. They are not nice animals.

The dinner is ready, and Uncle Steve is still late.
My gay brother brought his homosexual date.
We all bow our head as Dad says grace.
Our Atheist Sister Denise makes an angry face.

We all sit down to eat our turkey dinner.
Right about then, reverend bob yells Denise is a sinner.
Sis jumps up, and flings her slice of pie.
The dog jumps to catch it and lands on the gay guy.

Grandma steps on the cat, who ran from the dog.
The carpet catches on fire from a fireplace log.
The babies are screaming in their high chairs
The kids are pulling out each others hairs.

Right about then I yell out singing
I can't wait for Christmas, because I hate Thanksgiving.

People who write and think about our intense attraction to the famous often say that when we worship celebrities, we are following a Darwinian urge to revere beauty or preeminence. Paris Hilton attracts our interest much the way Arnold Schwarzenegger does, according to this view: they are alphas, creatures that have made it to the top of the pack, and we can’t help but gaze at them with fascination....

But the evolutionary theory of celebrity does not begin to explain Paris Hilton mania for one reason: people hate the woman. She must be the most powerful snark magnet in history....

Still, to check out the megabytes of commentary that follow Paris’s every embarrassing move is to be struck by a loathing that confutes the Darwinian explanation. Cries of “nonentity,” “rich white trash,” “no-talent,” “brainless hussy,” and “hotel heirhead” echo throughout cyberspace. Politically incorrect slurs like “tramp,” “tart,” “slut,” “skank,” and “skanktron” have suddenly become acceptable again, as long as Paris is their target. But that’s just the everyday bile. Hilton hatred has been muse to striking bouts of creativity from the popular press. In the 1930s, Walter Winchell coined the term “celebutante” to describe Brenda Frazier, a socialite famous enough to make the cover of Life and Paris Hilton’s closest sociological ancestor; well, in the spirit of Winchell, the New York Post’s “Page Six” has anointed Paris “celebutard.” Not to be outdone, the online gossip ’zine Defamer ventured “celebutante vaginalist.”

Most of my complaints have to do with their refusal to integrate their Jungian shadow selves, the clothes and the hair. (Mostly the hair.) Plus, I find some of their ways a little, um, precious. My friend Cos (a hippie if ever there was one) will tell me about someone she knows from the Rainbow Gathering: “So Sister Floating Feather was saying…” and I interrupt. “What’s her real name?” I say rudely.

“Her Rainbow name is Sister Floating Feather,” Cos says, firmly standing her ground.

Loud theatrical sigh. “I mean, what name did her parents give her when she was born?”

“Oh. Jennifer.”

You know another thing I hate? Pu worg reven lliw elpoep emos sseug I. Loohcs hgih ni llits M'i ekil sleef ti tub egelloc ni ydaerla M'l taht etah I. Seriously....

Posted by: laura | November 18, 2006 01:33 PM

Huh. The Onion's editorial cartoon is actually one of my favorite bits in the paper. I always thought they were satirizing conservative editorial cartoonists like Chuck Asay from the Colorado Springs Gazette [representative sample link below, link to gallery at Slate-- bewarned! his work is stomach-turningly conservative -- and sincere].

Inasmuch as The Onion has been on course this year to make itself look more like a real newspaper [online readers miss out on the (kick-ass) event listings, cartoon page, classifieds and sudoku!], the addition of an editoral cartoon isn't out of line, and what other take could they have on it than to come up with an outrageously offensive bit every week? Maybe it was a little more obvious to me because i live in a city where i read The Onion in paper form, but I think their editorial cartoon is just an outsized conservative view, in keeping with other The Onion headlines "Bush Urges Expanded Drilling Of Alaskan Wildlife" or "I Should Not Be Allowed To Say The Following Things About America"

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/crcas/2006/crcas061113.gif

http://cartoonbox.slate.com/chuckasay/

Posted by: travis | November 19, 2006 01:16 PM

interesting point, travis, but i'm going to have to say you're hella wrong. the difference between the conservative things that make it into the headlines on the front page and this comic is that the headlines are funny. to each his own, i know, but based on many conversations i've had about this topic (total radness to you, poormojo, for making me and my friends feel like allstars when we saw you were also debating this), i think you may be in the minority (which is not neccessarily a bad thing, but i would caution you against this status as you may soon end up the butt of an unfunny joke in a usually great paper). i've tried to look at it from a sarcastic point of view, and i am hard pressed to see how these cartoons can function as such. i also am able to read the onion in print form (because milwaukee is awe-some!), and i can not, no matter how hard i try, find the humor in this offensive dither. and i guess that's the part that hurts the most - offensive material can be used to make a person think, and it can be hilariously on point. this, on the other hand, is just painful. i think it's serious, and that makes me sad.

Posted by: Susie | November 22, 2006 12:34 AM

Evangelicals might have struggled to organize any last-minute, formidable efforts in this past election due to consistent problems with their candidates. For example, the racist Sen. George Allen of Virginia couldn't even conjure enough of them to win back his spot, though he was certain to start out one of his speeches on election night with thanking God.

So will there be a repeat in 2008, with the Dems picking up the presidency and dominating the House and Senate? The answer is probably not. As Jesus Camp extraordinaire Becky Fischer said, "this means war," and boy is she right....

If the Democrats are smart enough they will avoid deeply offending the evangelicals. Barack Obama: 2008.

My guess is that Farouk Hosni will be sacked or forced to resign unless his friend, the first lady, weighs in. The NDP, acknowledging the ground it lost to the Muslim Brotherhood, is starting to feel the pulse of the street and understand that Egyptians are now embracing something they didn't know 40 or 50 years ago.

The hair cover has become to Islam what a hymen is to a virgin.