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Squid #366
(published January 24, 2008)
Ask the Giant Squid: Push-Me-Poll-Me
Who is Poor Mojo's Giant Squid?
Dear Giant Squid,

Who do you favor for president of the United States?

Chris Dodd

Dearest Chris,

Although I did serve as President at one time, I ran Independently, and thus was spared this Primary Process — to such extent that I was, in all truth, completely ignorant of its existence. As such, I must admit that, as of late, I was much confused to see so very many humans competing for El Presidente Estadosunidenses. Early this week I did wonder aloud if, perhaps, the nation had turned to the much more strategically defensible form of a plural executive. My loyal assistant, Rob, scuffawed, "Naw, it's just some crazy presidential Battle Royal. Primary caucus, and that shit."


Rob stitched of the brow, "That old-school Star Trek episode where superfast aliens wanna harvest Kirk for his spooge?"

I shook of my ennobled mantle, both in negation of this suggestion and in general disappointment. Yet, he continued.

"I guess," he squinted, "Sorrrta. You know, if you think about it."

I floated to the back of my tank, leaving Rob to his thoughts and waiting for him to leave.

During my long wait, I reflected on this crowded electoral field and how, as they blindly tear at each other upon the matt of conflict, inevitably secrets shall be revealed. For example, we shall see that not all of the hopefuls are that which they present themselves as; some may be revealed to not be, in truth, male, white, or Protestant. What deleterious effect might such revelations have upon your behavior in the cramped, humid, sensuous privacy of the voting cubicle?

In response, I have constructed my own poll, included below, so that I might "test the waters" of the American psyche in these turbulent, tempestuous times. Given all of the facts, which of these is your favored champion for the Electoral Combats of 2008?

Hard-drinking Barack O'Bama of the clan of Bama
Amateur Pornographic Bottom Michael "Dick" Dale Huckabee
Professional Poli-Pornographer Fred Thompson
Eroto-autoasphyxiant kitten, Mittens Romney
John McCain, who has a tiny, babbling, semi-necrotic, psychic conjoined twin sprouting from his trunk
John Edwards, Masterthief and Rumpshakah
The prominent transvestite, Sir. Hilary Ram Rod ClinTon
The prominent transvestite vocalist, Ron Paul
Honest Dennis Kucinich
That Mexican, the Chubby One

Thank you, Dear Readers, for your participation and co-operation.

I Remain,
Your Giant Squid

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see other pieces by this author | Who is Poor Mojo's Giant Squid? Read his blog posts and enjoy his anthem (and the post-ironic mid-1990s Japanese cover of same)

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