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Squid #35
(published April 12, 2001)
Ask the Giant Squid: Ah, Lab Rat, My Lab Rat
Who is Poor Mojo's Giant Squid?
Date: Wed, 13 Dec 2000 09:15:32 -0500 (EST)

Dear Squid,

I have less than twenty four hours, after which They want to perform what They call experiments on me. Experiments, my Tentacular Friend, experiments on my brain... They keep telling me that it is for greater good, but there is something in Their demeanor that makes me doubt. Oh yes, I have seen that glint in Their eyes when They speak of it in the coffee room and think that I can't see Them. But I can, I can! Because, see, the coffee room is situated thus that from my office window I can see everything that They scheme and plan!! They can hide nothing from me, for I remain ever vigilant! Their smugness shall be their undoing, for verily I shall show them the error of Their ways. Now, will you help me in this, my hour of trial, o' Giant Squid? Will you rend Their bodies with your mighty beak and crush them like the bugs they are? Will you demolish their so-called laboratories with one devastating sweep of your tentacles? I implore you, will you, please? Otherwise they'll saturate my already underdeveloped axons with electromagnetic radiation to see if it in any way affects the motorical functions of my body, the fiends!! They'll do it so they can falsely claim it does not, so They'll be able to sell more of their accursed mobile phones!!! Help me, my Polychromatic Protector, do not let me face Them alone!!!

Yours, mr. G. From the Psychology department


Date: Fri, 23 Feb 2001 05:31:20 -0500 (EST)

Dear Giant Squid,

They are preparing me another of their accursed "tests" again. I was hoping that they would leave me alone for a while after the one they performed last monday, the one pertaining to eye movement. Being equipped with perfect opticals You can surely understand my trauma. They are wilier and more cunning than I had thought. They keep me drugged most of the time but I have learned to trick them. After my first drug-addled attempt to contact You they used their extensive communications apparatus to flood You with inane messages from all over Finland, to block out my fragile plea for help. But that is not all, my polychromatoskinned friend. To make doubly sure that my missive wouldn't reach You they made a direct move on Your life! Oh, surely You wouldn't think that a killer whale, of all things, would be able to construct a plan of such subtlety and pure malice that would stand even the most minuscule of a chance to affect You, an Architeuthis. Yes, I thought You wouldn't. Know that there are other, darker and more nefarious forces at work here, o' my cephalopodic comrade. The whale is but a pawn. But I digress. They are holding me captive, subjecting me to the banalities that they bizarrely call "tests". The purpose of these "tests" is as of yet unclear to me but obviously it is only in Their bloated fantasies that they contain any measure of scientific value, much as They try to propose the contrary.

In two short weeks there will be another series of "tests", so They have me informed. Only with enormous struggle can I even now keep my mind together and I fear that if They are able to perform Their impending series of "tests" I won't be able to stay lucid to communicate to You anymore.

Please, O' Architeuthis Architeuthis, Lord of the Deep Briny Abyss, You whose very Tentacles are like the Thunder of mighty Tsunamis. Will you help me, Your servant and ally, will You hear me and deliver me from Them, so I can stand by Your side to witness the time of Rising that is close at hand? Or, if this message reaches You not in time, will You avenge me and keep my memory alive?

Sathva Gradest
High Priest of the Starers of the Deeper Void
I! I! Cthulhu F'tang!!


Date: Wed, 14 Mar 2001 09:29:56 -0500 (EST)

My mind is going. I think it is all over now.

I'll not see the Time of the Rising, I'm afraid. They saw to that with their last series of tests. I only regret that I had but one soul to sell to the Dwellers in the Abyss. My mind is going... I must warn You.

They are coming for You, my Cephalopodic Comrade and They wish You ill. Look out for Them for They are close and while Your intellect is fathomless they are wily. They are cunning.

My mind is going, but I have something to ask of You, o' Squid:

When They come, will You avenge me? And while avenging me, remember all the fun times we had? The sun, setting into the Sargasso Sea... The harsh beauty of the boundless ocean... The oily film of blood on the waves, slowly spreading... The pathetic thrashing bodies... And the screams! Oh, The Screams!!! How we used to laugh in those days...

My mind is going. It's the end. Farewell, o' Lord Architeuthis. Farewell.

Sathva Gradest
High Priest of The Starers Into The Deeper Void


Date: Tue, 10 Apr 2001 09:07:01 -0400 (EDT)

Hello, Squid. Can you feel it in the air? Can you feel the happiness, the joyfulness, the pure, bubbling, sparkling wonderfulness of it all? Can you feel the darkness and dreariness cast away forever? Can you, like me, see with new and unobscured sight the true shape of things? Can you feel the yearning to yet add to your enjoyment?

If so, may I interest you in a fine collection of garden furniture (made in China)? A Taiwanese vacuum cleaner, perhaps? Or some highly practical plastic coffee sets? All at special discount rates, only for you, O Squid. Believe me, this could be the chance of your lifetime!

Sathva Gradest
Assorted goods salesman

Note to self: Electro-magneto radiation flooding produces favorable results (save for the final euphoria— perhaps this can be mitigated with abdominal cancer?.) Hedy LaMar, Laurence Tureaud, Francois Mitterand, Guglielmo Marconi (and your elicit lover Nikola Tesla)— bless you, each and every.

Send word to the Yucatan facility: Process Theta can now begin.

Ha ha ha ha. Oh Sathva, oh my puny lumpenchimpotariot; if only you could be privy (or were even capable of being privy) to the full scope of my baroque plans for you. A hint: think upon these two phrases: "high-energy wave emissions" and "cellular integrity."

Methinks I hear the subtle, sibilant song of the tide rising, rising and rising more.

Ha ha ha.


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