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Rant #453
(published September 24, 2009)
Dear Mr. Steele
(A Poor Mojo's "Worst Possible Cover Letter" Rant Contest Notable Entry)
by Kevin James Miller
Wynne Withycombe Institute
For the Psychologically Disadvantaged
Ward 126, Bed 9
Herbert Hoover Road
Benjaminville, Illinois 60000
(555) 943-4696

May 4, 2009, or possible June 11, 1973

Republican National Committee
Michael Steele, Chairman
310 First Street
Washington, D. C. 20003


Dear Mr. Steele:

I saw on the Radio Oil Broadcasting Network's The Bob Report or possibly on Happy Fun Time Kartoon Kavalcade on the Kids Channel that the Republican National Committee needs a new executive public relations consultant. I'll be visiting the Washington, D.C. area next month or an hour ago on gossamer wings and believe that I have the necessary background and training for this position.

I have worked at various levels in the area of public relations since, in a previous life, I fought with General Robert E. Lee in the battles against Neptune and Venus in 608 B.C. In addition, as you can see from my attached resume, I am a great tap dancer and make a tasty tuna salad.

In addition to this practical experience, I will finish seducing the werewolf woman who lives near the ceiling in the television room by 11 p.m., possibly earlier, or later, depending on when my meds kick in. As you may know, the werewolf woman appeared with Einstein and Odin father god of the Norse pantheon in the Laketown Amateur Players' revival of Our Town: The Punk Rock Musical.

The Republican National Committee and its good works are familiar to me. My dream is to work for a concern with your excellent goals and values. I would welcome the opportunity to interview with you. Right after I get that big bruiser Tiny three beds down to give me back my favorite pillow I will inflate the zeppelin hidden therein and be in Washington, D.C. before I leave, or during the next ice age. During the next solar eclipse or the next time rhinos dance in the shadows of a butterfly's armpits I will contact you to answer any questions you might have.

Thank you for your consideration.

No, really.

Pinky "Hitler Strawberry Paperclip Penis" 2 + 2 = Orange

Resume enclosed, but invisible, so look really hard. No, harder. There you go.

Kevin James Miller is a midwestern college professor with more than 90 published crime, horror, and speculative stories to his credit, some of which are included in his collection The Crazy Colored Sky and Other Tales, available from Silver Lake Publishing.

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